The Pity Post

If you don’t know already, I had shoulder surgery recently–about 2 12 weeks ago. Since it was over 2 weeks ago, though, I’ve overrun my timeframe when it’s most effective to use a bunch of dramatic adjectives to describe the pain I’m going through in order to make you feel as sorry for me as possible. So I’m just gonna give you the hard, callous facts. They put me “under” for oh … only about an hour. Arthroscopy is phenomenal–let me count the ways. When I took itched the dressing off, I found there were only 3 incisions on my left shoulder, which were almost healed only a week later: two in the front, one in the back–and each of them just less than an inch long. The Vicodin stopped the 2nd day after surgery. (I don’t see the appeal with pain medication, people. Talk about nausea. It seems like a guy thing.) The immobilizing-foam-thing-sling came off at about 1 12 weeks, which would have been 2 but I got impatient and moved up my post-op. I won’t be able to raise my arm above shoulder level for 3 more weeks, but my first physical therapist appointment this week was really encouraging. He was surprised at how little pain my shoulder had in numerous positions. He gave me a good front lateral stretch to do at home and a scapula-strengthening (shoulder blade) exercise. Since then, I’ve seen some dramatic improvements. I’ll be seeing him twice a week. I only see the doctor one more time, whereby he, as he put it, is going to “crank [me] back to 180 degrees … you will have full range of motion again.” “Does it hurt?” I asked. “The, uh, cranking?” “No, it doesn’t hurt. You’ll feel this stretchy, tugging pulling but it won’t hurt.” “Okay.” Three weeks ago, I thoroughly enjoyed the little pre-op talk he gave me. He mentions anchoring cartilage back into bone with “little probes we’re gonna stick in your shoulder” and concludes with, “It’s not rocket science.” And he says, “It’s not rocket science” with this scowl on his face. It’s probably the best phrase to say, on TV and off, to make someone laugh before surgery. It was also compliant with his rather flighty yet efficient manner. All business, but very professional. Later, I learned he was director of the entire orthopedic trauma center at Cedars. And me? I was just a routine arthroscope. I realized I was really fortunate to not require “rocket science” surgery. When I came to, he looked at me, muttered “You’re not going to remember anything, I’ll come back,” and ran off. When I had a half-hour nap and woke up again, he had time to stop by and said, “You had a pretty big tear. The whole front half of your labrum was just … torn.” He briefly considered. “Welp. You’re all better now. Any questions?” I only forgot to ask him one thing: Will I set off metal detectors? Do you think they’re titanium? That would be sweet. Because I have three. Love, *e P.S. - The Barneys New York Coop at The Grove opens today. :) “The Grove’s Co-Op will be divided into two floors. A dedicated women’s store will greet customers on the first floor. A staircase will lead up to a dedicated men’s store on the second floor. The Grove Co-Op’s décor will feature whimsical line paintings by a yet-to-be-announced artist. The general ambiance of the store will be familiar to those who have visited the the Barneys New York Co-op in the Georgetown section of Washington, D.C. ‘It’s an evolution, not a revolution,’ Neu said of the décor guided by Barneys’ vice president of store design, Philippe Hum.”

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